I missed the game, but my attention got drawn to this ad and it’s been bugging me for days. At first I enjoyed it for the snarky reference to “vampire movies” and deadpan delivery of “lip balm.” Then an acquaintance — who’s spent years stuck in an unenviable rut — linked it along with his own platitudes, and I saw it for the chilling depiction of emasculation that it really is:
You are a weak, puerile remainder of a gender whose time has eclipsed. Your hopes and dreams are so diminished that your only escape will take the form of a genre of vehicle that has for years been symbolic for compensation of a small penis. In fact, that’s exactly why we are bringing it back for the 21st century.
This is nailed home in the subtext of the tag: “Man’s last stand,” as in “Custer’s last stand,” as in the point at which defeat is imminent. Masculinity is doomed. Enjoy your muscle car because civilization took your balls years ago.
I imagine that there’s an alternate take that went something like this:
DUDE STUMBLES BLEARY-EYED INTO KITCHEN. DUDE STARES AT HALF A GRAPEFRUIT AS SCREAMING CHILDREN AND WIFE WAIL INCOMPREHENSIBLY IN A SOUND THAT IS HALFWAY BETWEEN PEANUTS “WONK WONK” ADULT-TALKING AND A BUZZSAW.
DUDE IS BEHIND THE WHEEL OF HIS BLACK DODGE CHARGER. THE WINDOWS ARE DOWN, THE WIND RIPPLED HIS HAIR AS STEPPENWOLF PLAYS OVER THE STEREO.
DUDE IS IN HIS CUBICLE. BOSS UNZIPS, PULLS OUT COCK, AND SLAPS DUDE IN FACE FOR NINE HOURS.
DUDE IS DRIVING HOME IN HIS DODGE CHARGER (WHICH IS NOW INEXPLICABLY RED). STEPPENWOLF PLAYS. AS HE GRIPS THE WHEEL AND SHIFTS THE GEARS WE SEE AN ERECTION STRAINING AGAINST HIS CHINOS.
DUDE IS HOME, WHERE CHILDREN URINATE ON HIS SHOES AND BEAT THE FURNITURE WITH HIS GOLF CLUBS. WIFE PUTS PLATE OF STEAMED SPINACH AND A USED TAMPON IN FRONT OF DUDE, SAYS THAT THEY NEED TO TALK ABOUT THEIR RELATIONSHIP.
My version suffers for lack of the lip balm bit.
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Incidentally, Felix at The Denver Egotist makes a good case that the combination of guaranteed eyeballs and unlimited budgets has caused Superbowl advertising to devolve to the worst ads in the industry.
